No excuses

A while back I wrote a post on another blog of mine about a shopping experience that left me hating my body and image. Not only did it leave me hating the way I look, but I ended up not liking the inside of myself either. I told myself after writing that post that I would start making changes. I had good intentions, but, of course, nothing changed in my behavior. Since then I've gained a few more pounds. At first, I hated it. Eventually, I just told myself to accept it. I did what I could to dress more feminine and not care about what others thought. I was feeling more confident. Then I started making healthier choices with my food. Small and slowly...Instead of getting fries with a beef burger with cheese. I'd get a turkey burger with a side of fruit. I was making slow progress, but was gaining confidence in each and every step I took. I didn't want to have too high of expectations of myself.

I moved to a new place. I took this as an opportunity to create a menu for myself that had healthy meals. At  first I did great. I packed food for where ever I went. I did meal prep. All sorts of stuff. But it got old really fast. It's hard lugging tupperware everywhere I go. It's hard trying to eat healthy at Nate's place with his family, when they aren't on the same menu as me. It's hard stopping fast food cravings. I don't always have time to grab my food or do meal prep. I have to get up before five a.m. every morning to get ready for work. I can't always keep a regular sleep schedule (at least this past week). I ended up catching a stomach bug last week that some how stays and floats around my workplace. I allowed this to mess up my whole plan.

I've been feeling frustrated with myself because I always start and never finish. A couple years ago I lost almost 15 lbs. Then I stopped. I stopped working out. I stopped eating healthy. I didn't care anymore and I gained it all back plus more. Even though this is one of the most common things to happen with people who lose weight, I don't like that I stopped caring.

I've been watching The Biggest Loser a lot lately. The season I am currently watching is all about excuses. I have SO MANY excuses.

It's hard.
I don't have time.
I am sick.
I have a craving.
I am too tired.
I'll just take one day off.
I've never been able to do it before, why would I now?
...

Lame excuses.

The more I've gained weight, the more I realize how much I relate with the contestants on the show. I cry when they cry about how their weight effects them. I see myself in them, I just don't make the changes. I make temporary changes for about a week or two, then stop.

I want to figure out why I hide behind my weight. Why I shove my face with food and unhealthy food on top of it.

It WILL happen.