taking advantage of an unhealthy relationship

It's been a hard process. It seems though that this time around it's been a little easier. I've had some good experiences and some learning experiences.

I broke up with Nate about a month ago. Breaking up with someone is usually something that would effect someone's weight gain or loss. For me, it was completely different. That relationship really showed me what I wanted in myself and for my future. His family was overweight. They ate like crap. When they felt like eating something healthy, it was a salad doused in thick ranch, which defeats the whole purpose of the salad.  Because they were overweight they couldn't move much. The boys did, but his mom and sister would just sit there, crochet and gossip. While going on a camping trip with them, the boys left to go turkey hunting and the girls stayed at camp, crocheting. I wanted to go out and explore. That's the whole purpose of going out in nature. So, I did. Well this didn't sit too well with his mom and sister. They thought that I went because I didn't like them. They created a lot of drama. Then I was expected to fix it every time. They didn't save or spend money wisely. They were constantly stressed out about it and trying to borrow from each other. They were too dependent on each other for every thing. I went back on my anxiety medications while dating him. My depression and anxiety skyrocketed. His whole family is on medication. They get medication for everything. While I know that medications are a gift and can really help, I don't think they are the first solution to problems.

Dating Nate made me realize that that kind of lifestyle is not what I want.

I know what I want now.

1. Fit and healthy to:
         a. play with my future children
         b. go on hikes
         c. try new sports
         d. have no excuses to physically hold myself back
         e. have a healthy way to combat my depression
         f. feel confident in myself
         g. have energy
         h. and so many more reasons

2. Take all responsibility for my actions and not put blame on others or my situation

3. To be closer to God, apply the atonement and lessons I've learned from my mistakes, and to teach my future children to give them the opportunity of the Gospel.

4. To be financially responsible, prepare for emergencies and to pay tithing.

5. Be less materialistic.

6. Finish my education to be able to have a career that I will enjoy.

7.  To not Gossip and be kind to those around me.

8. To not complain about everything.

9. To not take advantage of the things people offer, their money, or their things.

10. To be an independent person with healthy relationships.


The list could seriously go on and on.

My eyes were opened to a better way of life. Since I've broken up with him I've had no guilt about trying to be physically better. I've gone off of my medication and been a lot happier. I've been more connected to God and have enjoyed life a lot more.

I know that dating Nate wasn't the best idea, but I learned  a lot and I'm going to take those lessons and apply them, because my life isn't just about me, but taking care of me to become my best self will help not just me but everyone around me. And I am really excited for this journey.

No excuses

A while back I wrote a post on another blog of mine about a shopping experience that left me hating my body and image. Not only did it leave me hating the way I look, but I ended up not liking the inside of myself either. I told myself after writing that post that I would start making changes. I had good intentions, but, of course, nothing changed in my behavior. Since then I've gained a few more pounds. At first, I hated it. Eventually, I just told myself to accept it. I did what I could to dress more feminine and not care about what others thought. I was feeling more confident. Then I started making healthier choices with my food. Small and slowly...Instead of getting fries with a beef burger with cheese. I'd get a turkey burger with a side of fruit. I was making slow progress, but was gaining confidence in each and every step I took. I didn't want to have too high of expectations of myself.

I moved to a new place. I took this as an opportunity to create a menu for myself that had healthy meals. At  first I did great. I packed food for where ever I went. I did meal prep. All sorts of stuff. But it got old really fast. It's hard lugging tupperware everywhere I go. It's hard trying to eat healthy at Nate's place with his family, when they aren't on the same menu as me. It's hard stopping fast food cravings. I don't always have time to grab my food or do meal prep. I have to get up before five a.m. every morning to get ready for work. I can't always keep a regular sleep schedule (at least this past week). I ended up catching a stomach bug last week that some how stays and floats around my workplace. I allowed this to mess up my whole plan.

I've been feeling frustrated with myself because I always start and never finish. A couple years ago I lost almost 15 lbs. Then I stopped. I stopped working out. I stopped eating healthy. I didn't care anymore and I gained it all back plus more. Even though this is one of the most common things to happen with people who lose weight, I don't like that I stopped caring.

I've been watching The Biggest Loser a lot lately. The season I am currently watching is all about excuses. I have SO MANY excuses.

It's hard.
I don't have time.
I am sick.
I have a craving.
I am too tired.
I'll just take one day off.
I've never been able to do it before, why would I now?
...

Lame excuses.

The more I've gained weight, the more I realize how much I relate with the contestants on the show. I cry when they cry about how their weight effects them. I see myself in them, I just don't make the changes. I make temporary changes for about a week or two, then stop.

I want to figure out why I hide behind my weight. Why I shove my face with food and unhealthy food on top of it.

It WILL happen.